I don’t get drunk that often, but when I do, I never get drunk enough to text or bother people I wouldn’t normally talk to. I also always go back and fix my grammatical and spelling errors, of which there are many I assure you, but you’ll never get to see them! See. I’m drunk enough for the actual content of my writing to be nonsense, but brilliantly formatted. Even when I get black out drunk, which I’ve only kind of done once, I am confoundedly clear with my written expression. confoundedly! I am confounded!

So what’s the deal? When y’all let your inhibitions dissolve into bubbly light bear foam dripping unbecomingly from your lips it’s not really a testament to how drunk you are is it? You’re just letting the alcohol take hold of your clumsy thumbs to tell the world silly incomprehensible gibberish. For me, being sober is like being drunk, and being drunk is like getting punched really hard in the head, and getting punched really hard in the head is like watching the X-Men: The Animated Series from the 90’s, because X-Men marathons always leave me in a daze, and when I come to my pants are nowhere to be found, and I feel a little sick, and I’ve squandered my ambition for another day, and I’ve alienated at least one loved one, and I just want cuddle and go live in the past.

This bleak, hideous present is going nowhere.